“My boyfriend and I broke up awhile ago and now he is reaching out to reconnect. I haven’t fully moved on to a serious new relationship, though I have been dating steadily in hopes of having a long-term love. We are both almost thirty and have decent jobs now. I’m hoping to turn my job into a career but I don’t think he is thinking that way for himself. I’m really undecided about how to go about maybe putting some time into working at having a better relationship with him or if that’s a waste of my time.”

G: When it comes to broken or troubled romances, I tend to think that it is always a good idea to talk again, rather than keeping the silence going. My reasoning is simple: you can always say, “No thank you,” after that one encounter.

This is similar to following through with job searches. If you apply for a position that seems like it may be beneficial, don’t pull out of the process before you see it to its natural conclusion. If you are offered an interview, and are not sure if it is the right job for you, just go through with it anyway. That way you can see what you can learn that you may not have considered or don’t already know. You can always say, “No thank you,” if you are offered the job.

Seeing one another again, and talking things out, can help to clear up any doubts, and maybe even fill in some missing details about what brought the union to end as it did. I realize that is a rose-colored view of a complicated situation, but that does happen. People who reconnect just to talk may discover pretty quickly how they feel. The next steps they take, whether together or apart, can bring more peace to mind and heart.

There is of course the question of whether or not you or he had been in some kind of a co-dependency or addictive pattern. Is his reaching out to you a repeat of hot and cold behavior? You may be surprised to discover that one or both of you have had a rhythm of being close and then pulling away. Question whether or not there was insecurity or control issues, or if there just wasn’t enough compatibility or electricity to keep things on track for you.

Many people stay with a partner because they are afraid that they may end up being alone for too long, or permanently alone, or end up with someone even less desirable. Question whether or not you fit into any of those conditions.

If you decide to connect with him, whether for a serious date, or just a coffee, let him do a lot of the talking. Without coming right out with questions, see if what he talks about reveals anything new, like how he has changed. You may be able to detect if he is in a desperate state, or feeling guilty or needy.

If you believed you had once been close friends, let your gut guide you to know whether or not remaining friends with him, and not being romantically bonded to one another, is a better fit for you. I have seen too many couples make the mistake and not choose to be friends.

It can actually be a sane option to keep space in your life for them. To break up with a good person that you have outgrown or maybe came to realize is not the totally right person for you, is not easy to do, but is often necessary. But if you do cut the cord, be sure you are not cheating yourself out of keeping a precious, lifelong friend.

If you are thinking that you want to try again with him, see if he is willing to go to couple counseling. Therapy can help accelerate the resolution to any of the problems or the discord that pulled your relationship apart. If he is resistant, that is telling you pretty much all you need to know.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available.  Email Giselle with your question at [email protected]  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com