“My good friend of many years shared some personal information that I had not been previously aware of. I took it in, and am still rattled by it because it is so awful. I am left wondering how much more I am to know about her problems. I’m also really upset with her because she had not divulged that she had been in so much trouble prior to that conversation. How is it people we love can hide so much from us and then one day decide they’ll spill the beans?”

G: There can be several, vastly different motivations, for why people behave in seemingly irrational ways. Two that come to mind are: 1) your friend may have been in denial about the extent of the problems and just woke up to realize the enormity of them, or 2) she may have been afraid she would lose your friendship or other relationships if she opened up about the truth of her situation and the word got out. Both could have been happening simultaneously.

I could list a number of other reasons why you are now in this situation with your friend, but I think they are not the main issue for you. What I think is most important for your wellbeing is for you to ask some really hard questions of your friend. You can begin by seeking to learn what she expects from you or needs from you, now that you are in her circle of knowing. You do not yet know how many others she has included. Find that out.

I think those who are invested in the health of our relationship with them, and are also invested in their own wellness, are obligated to treat us with the same regard they would have if the circumstances were reversed. Explain that to her. She may be confused that you are inquiring about anything else about this situation, and she may not want to divulge anything more. But even a tinge of hesitation on her part to discuss this in depth is actually giving you some necessary information for a way to proceed.

How can that be? When someone you love or care about won’t be forthcoming with you, won’t put in the time to reveal truths to the degree you respectfully ask, they are essentially letting you know they have larger problems. These dysfunctions can be of a magnitude that you may not be able to resolve or have any influence over. That’s when you get to decide what is in your best interests, and not hers or anyone else’s, who may be affected by the disturbing revelation.

Being willing to ask the hard questions means you are being accountable to yourself for your own wellbeing. It would also indicate that you are prepared to face a reality that she and others are not yet ready to confront, and my never be equipped to do so. So, my suggestion is to start there. Consider all the questions related to this problem she is in, seeking what it is that is expected of you.

For example, does she just want you and others to be a sounding board? Does she need your financial assistance to deal with it, either short- or long-term? Does she intend to continue living in this mess, which would detach herself from you, and delay her dealing with her accountability or participation? Is she willing to go to counseling or speak with a lawyer or spiritual advisor about ways to process this and even protect herself?

It is understandable why most people react with what looks like anger when presented with disturbing information, but it is not a useful emotion here. The anger is an expression of being hurt. You were kept in the dark, and you were engaged in an important friendship that was based on false, and incomplete, information. This causes emotional pain.

Look closely at the anger you feel and you will see that your emotional response is being displaced, contributing to your confusion about what it is to do now. Dig deep to feel a natural compassion for your friend’s situation. Thankful but for the grace of g-d, so to speak. But communicate through your questioning of her that you are deserving of facts, not fantasy or denials, of the severity of the breach in trust you feel about your friendship.

Often times it requires many details, attained from asking the truly hard questions, for the way forward to become crystal clear.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available.  Email Giselle with your question at [email protected]  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com