“I regret something I did awhile back that damaged my relationship with a beautiful person. I have tried to rebuild the trust between us but as of today I don’t think I have enough juice to keep trying to put things back together. I think I’d like to part ways but I want it to be on the best terms. Is there something I can say that might make things be somewhat better between us?”

G: As much as we may think that we can patch up things when we fall short, there often is a tender spot that remains a bruise. In my playbook, we don’t have to succeed in fixing our mistakes, we just have to try to fix them as we go. Some bruises may become scars for life, while others can become marks of wisdom.

Sounds like you have been doing the work and have come to a realization that what you are wanting to accomplish is perhaps not possible at this time, if ever. That’s not a bad place to arrive at actually, as it shows that you are living in reality instead of fantasy.

Many people prefer to make their apologies over the phone or by text, and sometimes in person if they are really trying to get back in the good graces of the other. I think that a written apology, without going in to the minutiae of the mistake, can help soothe the pain. I don’t recommend giving flowers with any apology.

When we do something we then later come to regret, or come to see with different eyes, we might end up mishandling how we try to fix the situation. Sometimes we’ll say a lot of words without really saying the very right thing that could ease the suffering and guilt. Just saying “I’m sorry” over and over is not going to cut it. And trying to explain or justify why we’ve made the mistake is also not all that helpful.

What I think works best is simply allowing the other person to decide in their own time whether or not they want to be forgiving. They have to decide whether or not they really want to put in the effort to allow you to deal with the issue at an intimate level, where you both get the time and space to hash it out.

At this point in your process of atonement, I think you could try a brief handwritten note that says your relationship has been important to you and is something you would like to heal. Let them know you accept that the timing may not be right for them, now or even later. State that you would like to meet in person to resolve the break, to see if there is a way forward that feels healthy for both of you. How they respond, or do not respond, will show you whether or not there’s any “there” there.

After that is sent, it is up to you to decide if you want to look forward and move in that direction by yourself. You have recognized what the misstep was and maybe you have discovered some of the underlying reasons for why you permitted yourself to break a vow, or else believe the lie that you told yourself, that what you were doing was OK.

No matter what, you’ve grown some from having made this mistake and recognizing the severity of the cost. The other person may or may not have any accountability for it ever happening, but their responsibility is not what this experience is really about. Let them come to that as they will, without your tutorial.

There’s a new beginning for both of you, apart or together. If you can begin to look at this as an opportunity for you to do better the next time, you are on the path to being happier. The more happiness we can come to feel that is not solely at the expense of another, the likelihood is we will create less needless suffering and confusion for others.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available.  Email Giselle with your question at [email protected]  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com