“Last year my elderly ‘surrogate’ uncle lost another family member, someone who is close in age and who had suffered with metastatic cancer. He had been in decline for several years. They were not particularly close, but even less so the last months of his life. He was really old and feeble, not able to take care of himself, and dependent on a small circle. As much as some people don’t like hearing this said, it was actually a blessing that he finally died. What I struggle over is how to help my uncle stop grieving so much over this death. It’s not like they were married or longtime partners. They just had a long history that included some overlapping acquaintances. What does it take to break out of talking about the past?”

G: It is all too common for the elderly or very ill people to dwell on things, and reminisce about better days. Partly this is because their world narrows greatly and they take comfort in happier thoughts. Aging, or even a sudden accident, creates complex health issues, sometimes affecting one’s ability to be self-aware. These challenges often restrict one’s mobility and can bring with it serious financial stresses. Many in this situation naturally slow down, and it isn’t unusual for a complete shutdown of interests and opportunities for enjoyment, so pleasant memories fill the gap. Nostalgia can occupy a particularly large part of some people’s lives even when they are not nearing death’s door.

Simple avenues for stimulation, that came naturally before the change in circumstances, do not seem as attractive. Grief and pain will tend to reduce the desire for meaningful engagement with others, or to have any deep concern beyond one’s immediate narcissistic fixations. Knowing this is important, as it gives you a template for how to cope with a very frustrating phase.

One way to handle another person’s grief or loss (or chronic health condition) is to start by acknowledging it. Simply express your compassion for what they are experiencing. You can let the person who is struggling know you hope they find the strength to pull through these sad, hard times.

Then permit them space to talk about the deceased, or share any memories they want to convey, without interrupting them. Allow them to hold court, so to speak, with you as their audience, without judgment or irritation. Give them at least fifteen minutes. Beyond that, in my playbook, you are off the hook. You do not have to think it is your obligation to sacrifice your own mental health, enduring their tedious repetitions. You can casually change the topic, or else excuse yourself to attend to other duties.

Realize they are not in a healthy state of mind or heart right then, no matter what you may say or do. Unless they specifically ask, do not try to explain anything to them about their feelings or how they should look at the situation. Respectfully accept that they are where they are, psychologically and emotionally. It may take a long time to see any change, if at all. When it comes to traumas, that’s just the way it goes for some people.

This is an opportunity for you to consider your own status. Learn from this. Do what you can going forward to secure your own health and future as best you can. Make choices that will minimize your risks of being isolated or at the mercy of others. See what is possible about enhancing your own circle of loved ones, who may have to take on the role of supporting you through your own unexpected losses and health challenges.

Eventually, many of us are going to experience suffering in ways that are universal. When we take the time to put ourselves in others’ shoes, we may realize that we have greater agency over certain twists and turns in life than those who are less fortunate. Whether we endure or survive the ups and downs with our mind and heart in a positive place is ultimately still our responsibility. When we cannot alter the outcome, we can choose to accept and surrender and focus on what matters most.

Giselle M. Massi is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available. Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post for 16 years and writes the newspaper advice column TELL GISELLE. Contact her at www.gisellemassi.com.