April 1. Town leaders announced this morning that three new grocery store chains and five additional bank branches are headed to Cornelius. Trader Joe’s, Wegman’s and Piggly Wiggly have each recently purchased land and will build mixed-use developments that include between 300-500 apartments and at least 2 fast food restaurants.

Trader Joe’s will be located near Westmoreland, Wegman’s will be built near Bailey Road Park and Piggly Wiggly will set up shop next to the new QuickTrip on Catawba. Every Cornelius resident will never be more than a mile from any grocery store at all times.

“This is our last chance to get this right,” said one town commissioner, who declined to comment on the record.

The five new bank branches will all be built on lots near the entrance to The Peninsula. Each is expected to feature widely different architecture, LED lighting and little to no landscaping at their front entrances. As part of the announcement, the area surrounding the intersection of West Catawba and Jetton will be renamed the Financial District in cooperation with the Peninsula HOA and the Chamber of Commerce.

Town leaders also announced Thursday morning that road widening projects would be delayed until 2045, at the earliest, due to forecasted recessions in 2025, 2032 and 2041.

Today’s announcements were supposed to be an in-person event at 12:30pm at Town Hall, but had to be moved to a virtual press conference at 12:30 pm when lunchtime gridlock made travel to City Hall nearly impossible.

This has been approved by the April Fools Society.

—Jon Show