you're reading...

Cornelius News

Happy Mother’s Day, from Modern Dad

Dear Mother of Dragons,

Happy (quarantine) Mother’s Day. You’re a great mom. The kind of mom about whom future moms should take notes. You deserve brunch and foot massages and mimosas. Alas, all of those places are closed so … here we go.

For Mother’s Day I gave the kids a sheet of paper with 15 questions I found on a mom blog. It seemed like a great idea.

The mom blogger elicited answers from her kids that were thoughtful and loving. Some could even be described as poetic. I dreamed of delivering, to you, the same amazingly poignant responses. The kind that would make your heart swell twelve sizes.

Future Man and the Blonde Bomber? Well, they tried their best. Or they tried. Or maybe they didn’t.

I know you’re equally excited and terrified right now, and justifiably so. Their brains are runaway trains capable of blurting out answers that will make you ashamed to show your face in public.

I promise you that won’t happen. Besides, you already have to wear a mask in public. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine. Just fine.

Question 1: How old are you? They listed 8 and 11. Not starting off well. I ridiculed them for not paying attention. You’re not 8 or 11 years old.

Question 2: How old is mommy? Oops, my bad kids. The boy said 44 and the girl guessed 43 The boy is correct because your birthday is in March, which means we’re the same age again and I know exactly how old I am. Wait, did we celebrate your birthday? I honestly don’t recall. Holy moly.

Question 3: What makes mommy happy? The girl wrote “having fun” and the boy wrote “a clean house.” The boy is correct because we all know there’s no way you can have fun without a clean house. Yes, I’m grading their answers.

Question 4: What was mommy like as a child? The girl said “pretty” and the boy said you were a “track person.” Like, someone who hangs out at a horse track? I asked for clarification but his response just made me more confused.

Question 5: How tall is your mommy? The boy correctly guessed 5’7” and the girl listed “two yard sticks.” It looks like our measurement lessons in home school are paying off and I’m beaming with pride right now.

Question 6: Where is your mommy’s favorite place to go? The girl listed Alaska two hours after you told her that Alaska was one of only two states you’ve never visited. The boy correctly answered “the mountains.”

Question 7: What does your mommy do for a job? One answered “a business lady” and one wrote “Wells Fargo.” Wells Fargo business lady is this perfect explanation of what you do for a job and is exactly how I will answer in the future if asked the same question.

Question 8: What is your mommy’s favorite food? The girl wrote some letters that I believe are supposed to spell applesauce and the boy wrote “rosoto.” Risotto? Maybe we need to spend more time on spelling in home school.

Question 9: How are you and your mommy the same? The boy wrote “we like stake” (again, spelling) and the girl wrote “we’re both weird.” Steak is good. Weird is good. Don’t overanalyze this one. Take the victory and move on.

Question 10: If mommy was a cartoon who would she be? The girl wrote Ariana Grande and the boy wrote a poop emoji. He didn’t draw a poop emoji. He wrote the words poop emoji. Neither of their answers are actual cartoons.

Question 11: If your mommy becomes famous what will it be for? The girl, who is nice, wrote for “being the prettiest mom.” That should make you all warm and fuzzy. If you want to maintain that feeling you might want to skip the boy’s answer. Still here? He wrote “for farting.”

Question 12: How do you know your mommy loves you? Both answered the same way – because “she tells me.” Imagine how happy you’d feel right now if you skipped the part I advised you to skip.

Question 13: What does mommy love most about your daddy? They both wrote “his butt.” I guess I can live with that.

Question 14: How are you and mommy different? The girl wrote, “She’s 43 and I’m 8.” Again, wrong age. Given all of the differences between a 44-year-old woman and an 11-year-old boy, the boy chose this: “I play sports.”

Question 15: What is your wish for your mommy? For some reason the girl wrote for you “to get tanner.” That seemed like an odd request but then self-tanner showed up later that day from Amazon so maybe she’s on to something. The boy, who took a short break from the flatulence theme, fired back with “stop farting in public.”

So there you are. Unvarnished and unprompted. A list of some very kind things, some very incorrect facts and some things that just don’t make any sense. Not unlike most of what comes out of their mouths.

Happy (quarantine) Mother’s Day.

Future Man, the Blonde Bomber and me. And Lightning.


Jon Show lives in Robbins Park with his wife, who he calls “The Mother of Dragons.” Their 10-year-old son is “Future Man” and their 7-year-old daughter is “The Blonde Bomber.” Their dog is actually named Lightning.