Nov. 26. Our weekly advice column from Giselle Massi, a former journalist with The Denver Post.

“This past year my siblings have been tussling with our elderly parents. I try to stay out of it but I am getting pulled in. It’s getting to be about that time where we think they really would do much better with a higher level of oversight, in terms of their medical needs, and the usual dramas of what they are eating and whether or not they are managing their medications properly.”

“They’ve been holding up well living in their home, but every time one of us brings up the topic of downsizing, or making a move to a senior living center, nothing positive comes of it. I see this with others in our extended family, and I see it with friends who are essentially fighting with their parents at a time when you’d think things might be easier. The older folks just don’t see that their day-to-day could be so much nicer for them if they’d let others step up. Any suggestions for how to get them on board, to get them to give up the stubborn independence?”

G: Unfortunately, even the healthiest, most loving relationships with our parents can sour pretty quickly when trying to impose our wishes on them. Even when they know we have their best interests at heart, it’s all too common for the elderly to not see things as we do. When it comes to giving up the freedom to come and go as they like, they can ignore or even deny that there are legit safety concerns. They seem less willing to acknowledge any diminishment in their quality of life or abilities as threshold issues, like we may regard them.

You’ve got to make peace with where they are, and focus on what you can do that will not disrupt their structure to the point that you are intrusive. For example, before you start “senior proofing” their home, just as you would if you were dealing with toddlers, mention to them that you are concerned they are at risk of falling. See if they will allow you to adjust or remove any rugs or furniture that could be problematic.

I know it may not seem like such a big deal, but it’s important to consider how you would feel if someone you cared about came into your space and started rearranging your things. Even if what they may have done was an obvious improvement, these violations of boundaries can easily be taken as a slight, or even a critique.

Instead of fixating on the big move, consider the small stuff right now. See if your parents will let you fill up one box of items that could be donated or recycled. You might talk with them about their medicine cabinet and see if they will let you go through all of their pharmaceuticals, to see what may have expired and should be properly disposed of. Small considerations and gestures like these can make a big difference in how your parents react to your interventions.

I know how difficult these situations can be as I have a friend who has been struggling for a number of years with his elderly parent. He goes to the extreme to be supportive, relinquishing any responsibility for calling the shots, so to speak. From my spiritual playbook, he defers to his parent well beyond any measure of what I think is required. I have watched this unpleasant dance go on with a number of family members, and can’t help but wonder why they insist on keeping things so complicated and exhausting.

You may be wondering what it is going to take before your parents realize that they are actually creating way more work and worry for you and your siblings than they would be comfortable with. Someone has to wear the big boy/big girl pants and break the news to them. It doesn’t have to be you, but if no one speaks up, typically what happens is a very unpleasant crisis of some kind, and that precipitates the changes that should have occurred quite a while ago.

While you hope that is not the trajectory you are on with them, you can begin to prepare for the upheaval that may come at some point. Little by little, using a respectful tone and approach, you all ought to be able to work toward a compromise, even if that solution is only finding support services to pick up some of the tasks.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her new romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available.  Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com