This week we debut a new advice column from Giselle Massi, a former Antiquity resident, that will run every Wednesday in the newsletter.

Giselle Massi

“My husband and I have differing views on some things. Mostly we get along. But when the news triggers us, we’re likely to butt heads like the antlered do in the fall. Pundits and politicians insist everyone talk to those we don’t agree with. They want us to get out of our bubble. Thing is, when he brings up a controversial topic, he already knows I don’t see things as he does. So, I tend to clam up because I really don’t want to hear anymore. I tell him it just makes me feel disconnected from him. It’s making me question if I love him enough to put up with his pattern. He thinks he’ll wear me down and persuade me. I don’t want to pretend that his view is valid when I think just the opposite. The more he talks the more I disrespect him. Why should any of us talk with someone who is stubbornly entrenched?”

G: The answer will come down to what it is you want out of a relationship, in particular, this one with this person. If you think there is someone who is going to think exactly like you do 100 percent of the time, you are mistaken. As you go along in life, you’ll see that the people who are closest to you will shock you with their beliefs and opinions. We change. We come to view things with new information and experience.

Didn’t the covid crisis convince you of that? The good thing about that – yes, I think there is always some good that emerges from everything – is that it we learned so much more about the people we are connected to, things that we had no idea about.

We all had to make choices then, like whether or not we wanted to remain connected with anyone who either got the shot(s) or who refused to get them. This revealed how much we believe or don’t believe. Or if we think we owe others some personal sacrifice with our unconditional love.

It’s no wonder families, friendships and romances broke up in mass over these personal revelations. Truth be told, differences, even extreme differences, can enrich a relationship or else be a destructive force. So, it is up to us to determine what our creed and boundaries are, and then secure them through conviction and action.

Sometimes it takes leaving a relationship to preserve our peace of mind, if not our body. But before anyone reaches the breaking point – and he may be getting close to it as well – you might consider scheduling time with a counselor. Walk through the points that are threatening your happiness and overall well-being. Do not go into counseling with the intention of seeking validation, but rather let it be about getting really clear with yourself. Like why you selected someone who is fundamentally at odds with things that matter most to you, why you have accepted this discomfort for as long as you have, and how you may work through the conflict without tearing either of you to shreds.

If you didn’t realize the depth of these relationship issues before, or if they materialized over time, you certainly have gotten enough information to know that the center cannot hold while you feel the inclination to tune him out. See if you can discover why he brings up topics that he already knows are problematic. Is he trying to drive you away? Is he wanting to prove something to you?

Often the collapse of a relationship is due to entrenched thinking that has not been challenged by intellectual inquiry or experience. When there are fundamental differences that are the result of the other person’s beliefs or unhealthy patterns of behavior, the pressure can be existential.

It is empowering to learn that we really do not have to engage with people, or listen to them, when we know it is counter to peacemaking. There are tactful ways to call a time out, or deescalate, and then revisit a subject when it is appropriate to do so. You can learn to accept people for where they are and not feel compelled to have to engage with them in areas that are off limits, just as I have.

For example, there are at least a dozen people currently in my circle that hold onto a belief in their astrologer’s charts despite more new science that destroys any validity in the astrological positions, and/or who remain aligned with a spiritual belief that they were taught as children. Such people display an inability for critical thinking. Any thought of entertaining basic facts or doing comparative religious study is anathema to them. How is it I do not hold any of this against them?

Because I accept that they are genuinely kind people. I also know they are at where they are simply because they have not learned more. Yet. Just like I was more ignorant than I am today. And as much as I’ve learned, I know I am ignorant of many things, even while being a kind person and finding my way to getting closer to more knowledge and wisdom.

I continue to be hopeful that we are all still capable of expressing “full on” goodness despite some rather irrational ideas and practices. Concentrate on what you are being presented to spiritually learn with this challenge. You do not have to engage with anyone who does not have your best interests at heart. Ask him if he does.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com