Our weekly advice column from Giselle Massi, a former journalist with The Denver Post.

“I’m lonely; I want to be with someone; I want to be in a relationship again; I want a lover; I want to get married; I want to have children; I don’t want to be by myself; I want to grow old with someone; I want my person.”

G: During various counseling session, all of these declarations, and many more, have been told to me, and sometimes with tearful eyes. Some of these words have been said by women, but men also divulge similar heart aches.

Some of the adults are straight. Some are gay. Some have been celibate for many years. Some lost a partner through death, or a breakup that was not of their own choosing. What they have in common is that these words come off the lips of successful professionals, several who are parents, who have known deep intimacy and passion. They miss it terribly, painfully. Perhaps as tragic, they live in daily fear they will never experience it again.

Though headlines make hay about the younger generation being far less interested in either having sex or having a significant other, this is not the reality I hear about. Many desire to have a companion, or hope to marry some day and have children. The headlines and news may reflect a truth that is based in research into birth rate stats, but there is way more to coupling than making babies. That is the part of the story I think is most pressing and worthy of talking about: the experience of persistent loneliness that seems to have become a normative lifestyle.

A prime reason given for the decline in sexual activity, that I have heard and read about, attributes low testosterone levels in men, or hormonal birth control in women, that is messing with or dysregulating the “urge” to copulate. This factor just does not comport with what is going on with the unmarried adults I have worked with. They really do still have the desire to have a serious romantic, sexually active partnership.

Many are not averse to the idea of marrying, or marrying again. In fact, the majority of the people I’ve worked with would love it if “their person” – their knight or queen – would show up today to sweep them off their feet so they could live blissfully, happily ever after.

A romantic life, particularly the singular love or soul mate version, is for sure alive in the hearts of many folks of all ages. So why has it become so difficult for many adults to find a partnership that fits? There are several reasons, but I think a core problem has to do with not making the effort to earnestly look for it, or looking in the wrong place.

An example of what I mean, via a tale that has many iterations, goes like this: An inebriated man lost his keys. It was night, and he kept looking near and around a lamppost. A friend came by and asked what his buddy was doing. Looking for my keys, the drunk said. The friend asked where he had last seen the keys. The drunk said, in my house. The friend asked, then why are you looking here? The light is better here, the drunk said.

In order for an unattached person to increase the likelihood they will find their “key,” requires expanding their search area. Looking well beyond the metaphorical “small bubble of light,” which is essentially the zone of one’s current existence, can break the pattern of a monotonous, isolating routine.

If singles do not choose to open themselves up to opportunities – various encounters where they can bump into, so to speak, potential mates – chances are slim to none they will meet up with a love mate. Ideal romantic options are just not going to fall into one’s lap, no matter how physically attractive, fit, or accomplished a person may be.

Fear of being rejected or being concerned about getting hurt again are common obstacles keeping many from being willing to open up that circle of opportunity, to just saying Yes to party invites, or to circulating at a gym, a community center or a bar that has live music. So, it may come down to working on overcoming those “interior” issues with the help of a therapist, if one is not willing on their own to chance “putting the goods in the window” or getting out on the dance floor of life.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her new romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available.  Email Giselle with your question at [email protected]  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com