“One of my relatives who lives out of state came to visit for a few days. I had not seen her in a while and we seemed to get along fine. We are close in age, in our fifties. But we are very different. She just didn’t look well and is the heaviest I’ve ever known her to be.

“I didn’t say anything about her health. She mentioned she has been on a diet. She knows I’ve never struggled much with my weight. I tried to open up a conversation about some of the things I do to stay healthy. I think it made her upset. I’m not sure if asking her if it did will only make things worse.”

G: We cannot always be certain how things we say to others, or what we do in terms of any gesture of support or kindness, will be taken. Such is life that the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. Sarcasm yes, but often so true.

No doubt you thought you were doing the right thing to share what you have been doing. In many fine relationships, what you said to her would likely have been received favorably. But in less healthy relationships, it might go another way.

In our most ideal connections, each party in the relationship fully trusts that the other person is only ever being well-intended. In those relationships, no matter what topic or issue may come up, the unspoken rule that operates is the certainty that we each hold one another in a safe space.

But even still, stuff happens to all of us at some point, where we may temporarily get out of balance. This may be due to hormonal shifts with aging, a toxic romantic situation, an eating disorder or perhaps too great a reliance on self-medicating (to cope with stress or more serious problems). Then, we may not be ready to hear how to fix our current issue. Especially when advice comes from someone who seems to not have any serious problems.

How much to work on any of our friendships will depend on where we want to go in terms of the level of intimacy and vulnerability. If you are really wanting to get to a more meaningful level in this or any other relationship, it’s a good idea to let the other person know how you feel.

This is one of those times when it would be so great if we could accurately read the other person’s mind. Or if they could read ours. But my experience with people who have issues with their body, especially if they are wanting to regain some lost vitality or are coping with a harsh diagnosis and have not been having an easy go of it, is to not try too hard to be helpful with advice or information.

There are so many easy ways to find support and even solutions to one’s health concerns, that we are fortunate not to have to rely on our friends or even family members. Taking ownership over one’s choices, even at the level of maintaining a stable mood, is part of what it means to be a mature adult.

For most of us, when we are children, we are at the mercy of what older folks and schools provide for us. Sometimes it ends up that we are not given a solid foundation and tools for optimal healthy aging. Even so, there comes a time when we may grasp that all decisions in our control have consequences.

If, however, you just want to maintain a pleasantry, where there is no actual or normal co-dependency, or any expectation of becoming best friends, you can choose not to address this confusing, awkward exchange. The starting point is deciding what is most important to you. Assess whether or not you think the other person is capable of showing up at a level that conveys gratitude for what you bring to the table. They may surprise you and indicate a shared interest in deepening the bond, or respond with their own gratitude that you cared enough to walk along with them through their difficult moments.

Giselle M. Massi is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available. Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post for 16 years and writes the newspaper advice column TELL GISELLE. Contact her at www.gisellemassi.com.