“My good friend shared some unsettling developments with me about the younger of his two children. The pre-teen has been downloading inappropriate sexual material. His behaviors at home are making the dad think that his son is going through a rebellious phase, but what has been happening may involve gender confusion. The domestic situation is for the most part stable, but I am now hesitant to expose my own child to that household. This is upsetting to me because our families get along quite well and I am fond of his children. Am I being unreasonable if I restrict my child from exposure to this family?”

G: My answer will depend on whether or not you feel you have a broad understanding of the situation and feel it is still a safe environment for your child. I would want to know as many specifics as possible. Having said that, inquiring of your friend for greater details may present a more challenging or awkward discussion for you and him. Still, that should not deter you from assuaging your concerns.

If you have not already had a comprehensive exploration of what led up to this, here are some questions I would seek answers to: How did the pre-teen have access to a device that permitted the downloads? How long has he been accessing the material? Are any of his friends involved in this? Is inappropriate texting/sexting involved? Is your friend now in legal jeopardy because his child downloaded this sexual material on his device, as that may actually be a crime?

I do not think you are out of line for reacting with concern for your child. However, severing an important connection at this point may be pre-mature, if not radical. I believe you can maintain a healthy dynamic with your friend and with his family if you make some changes. For example, insist on being present whenever the children are together. Specifically, this would mean that your child would not be allowed to be alone with the pre-teen in question. Consider reducing the frequency of your families getting together.

If you decide to do those things, it will raise the issue of how best to explain the changes, not only to your own child, but to your friend. You can consider having a conversation with your friend that expresses your empathy for what he is now needing to deal with, but be sure to convey that you do not want to complicate his situation in any way.

Depending on the age of your own child, you can have a discussion about appropriate uses of smart phones and other devices, and even open up a talk about sexuality and healthy relationships. If your child is age-appropriate, you can share with them what it is you have learned about the pre-teen, but be sure you inform your friend you are going to do this. See if your child feels they want to be involved in any way. They may need some time to think about it.

This situation is somewhat similar to being around friends or family members who are raising children and who may have a much different approach to disciplining them. I think it is generally a good idea to offer a grace period whenever we encounter a conflict of ideas or a clash in practices. If we can allow that space and time, we may learn important facts that help us to understand more fully what the other is feeling or dealing with.

The ultimate goal here is to come up with an appropriate, measured response. Look at this new challenge your friend has from the perspective of being part of a solution. That may mean your own response needs to factor in what he thinks could be helpful. He may think separating the children for a period of time, while he gets a solid plan in place, could be a good approach. Or he may think supervised visits would be healthy for his pre-teen. Just be as openminded and openhearted as you can be as you work through this.

Nurturing our friends and loved ones requires we walk with them through periods of stress and upheaval. But that does not mean we have to surrender our sense of wellbeing or the wellbeing of those under our immediate care.

Giselle M. Massi is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available. Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post for 16 years and writes the newspaper advice column TELL GISELLE. Contact her at www.gisellemassi.com.