Tell Giselle: Social media reveals the ugly side

Jan. 21 – Our weekly advice column from Giselle Massi, a former journalist with The Denver Post.

“A friend’s adult child has been posting to social media sites a stream of comments that are alarming. The words reveal misogyny and a level of immaturity that, if they were coming from my own child, would shock me. I’ve been waiting for the right time to discuss this with my friend, whom I consider my “faux” sibling. Where do I start? I don’t want to create an earthquake.”

G: First things first… screen shot the images with your phone and at least save them there. Better also to print them out. If you do not know how to do that, you can ask AI and you’ll get a quick tutorial, so that you are not involving another “outside” person in this project.

Then, start to think deeply about what you seek to accomplish. If you have not thought about your motivation, give it some time before you make any moves. Considering carefully the consequence of your action, before you do anything, will help reveal to you if your involvement in this situation will bring you any closer to your goal.

Some people think that knowing about their friend’s child’s antics, whether on the playground or in the professional sphere, is a requirement for the relationship to be intimate and healthy. They may share ongoing details as a way to stay connected or to help one another to feel as if they are “like family.”

You, however, may be in another camp which thinks that being a lifelong hall monitor of sorts, is the responsibility a person assumes upon becoming a parent, and see that your friend is failing at that level, and feel compelled to intervene. If that is your position, I do not think it is a good idea to assume that your friend knows any of this, or even wants to know.

Over the years I have come to see how important it is to discern whether or not a perceived problem is actually my responsibility to fix. You are now in that position, to sort out just that: Is this my responsibility or a moral obligation? If your answer is that “I am not sure,” then consider waiting until you arrive at clarity with either a firm Yes or No.

If you have the depth of friendship that demands that each of you are forthcoming and transparent about any issue that concerns either of you, then I think it is appropriate to open up a conversation. Having said that, be prepared so that you are not surprised if this point is an exception to your agreement, as it may not be received with your expected gratitude.

Just know that some friendships can weather criticisms of their offspring better than others. This I know firsthand. One friend of mine only wants to discuss the highest, most glowing news of one child, while ignoring the mention of anything positive or negative going on with other family members. Another friend chooses not to talk about an adult child – even though they are flourishing – unless I inquire. And then, there are few, if any, details. I have taken this to believe that that friend simply prefers to talk to me about ideas, rather than about people. That suits me fine.

If, however, you have a good friendship but one that has certain limitations as to what can be discussed, then speaking with your friend is not the first step I’d take. In that situation, I would consider other ways of handling your distress. You have options beyond doing nothing.

One action to consider is to first notify the social media sites of the content of the messages, by flagging them as disturbing. By notifying the sites directly, you circumvent inserting yourself directly with either your friend or the adult child.

Here, though, we are to assume that the messages are not life threatening at this point. Should they be, or if they take that turn, then you are to notify the police and the parents. That’s where the value of the screen shots comes in.

Consider that the child’s social media site has been hacked. If that seems like a possibility, then you can reach out to them directly to let them know you have seen distressing content and wanted to bring this to their attention so they can deal with it themselves. This may prompt them to change what they are doing, having realized that you are “on to them,” or it may not change a thing. I’d try anyway.

I think it is always a good thing to not triangulate the issue. To be clear, this means not going through their parents to let them know you think their child’s social media site has been hacked. If your direct contact with the adult child does not elicit a response, I think it is spiritually appropriate to continue to monitor their site. But do not intervene with any other communication, unless you are asked to do so.

Sometimes it is best to let the adult person who is making mistakes, however obvious they may be to us, continue to make them until they learn their lesson. Sounds harsh, I realize, but often it is through the punitive blowback of one’s actions that growth may occur.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her new romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available.  Email Giselle with your question at [email protected]  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com