Oct. 29. This is the second week of our new advice column from Giselle Massi, a former Antiquity resident, that will run every Wednesday in the newsletter.

“Someone who is friendly with my younger brother let me know my brother is talking about meeting me to patch things up. Although he dropped away from the family a while ago, I’ve been able to stay somewhat informed about him through others. It’s been a mixed bag with him, including an unhealthy lifestyle, ever since he moved out of the house. I have resistance to a close relationship. But, and here’s where some of my uncertainty comes up, if I refuse, then it’s going to look like I’m the louse.”

G: I have counseled many who have suffered or struggled over their uneasy relationships, particularly with parents and siblings. I am able to relate as I too have had great challenges with some people in my circle. What I have found is that many of these unpleasant situations get created out of a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication that takes on a life of its own.

It really is up to each of us to determine how much effort we want to put into any relationship, whether blood kin, marriage or with even a casual friendship that started at work. What matters most is that you get honest with yourself about any accountability you may believe you have in the fracture with your sibling.

Even if you are substantially responsible for the discord, it will do no good to label yourself a louse. Are you thinking you are a louse now? Why would maintaining healthy boundaries put you at risk of being a louse, or a bigger louse?

We all make mistakes. Sometimes it is because we let our ego and emotions, rather than our intellect, drive our reactions to disagreements or conflict. Other times it is because we lack sufficient patience or a deeper understanding of what the other person has been going through.

When we learn that someone we care about is failing to mature, or is acting irresponsibly or dangerously, we may think we are in the right to get heavy handed with them. But that’s a treacherous behavior most of the time, as it can serve to widen the gap of communication, or worse, break down a trust.

Before you make up your mind, what you can do is consider what forgiveness would look like in this relationship. If you are needing your brother to apologize, you are off to a rough restart. If instead you seek to find out what it is you may have done to create the friction with him, he may be more inclined to go deeper into his side of the story with you.

The idea is you have to be willing to do what I call “good listening.” That is an act of love, coming from one’s heart, not one’s ears.

Good listening demands you seek to understand, rather than to be understood.

Reach out to your brother in that spirit. You can let him know you would like to understand how he is doing now. Inquire about what he may need or want from you. Unless you do not have his direct contact information, I suggest you do not triangulate through third parties.

By not involving anyone else, you are eliminating the chance that there would be a message poorly or inaccurately conveyed. Offer a time that works best for you so you can prepare in advance for what is likely to be an emotional visit. You’ll also want to set aside time afterward to process it once you are on the other side of your encounter.

These outreaches can bring up deeper pain, but they also offer an opportunity for a healing that neither can imagine could mean so much. I had a relative reach out to me long after she had become estranged from most of the family, and I was stunned to learn things that she had been keeping to herself. Had I not accepted her outreach, I think her life would have continued to be unstable.

The takeaway for me was that we have to be at a place to hear other’s pain. On the flip side, another person responded to my offer to open up communication. Her written reply to my letter revealed to me she had misunderstood my gesture. She had taken it as if I were accepting blame for her disrespectful transgression, that had prompted me to avoid her. It was obvious right then and there that no amount of heartfelt sharing was going to mend her delusions.

Keep in mind that we do ourselves no favor if we immediately assume we are the cause of someone’s problems, or that anything we have done has made their lives harder. Without full information we cannot know what drives a person to behave as they do, and even with that information, there can be important hidden factors that will go to the grave.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com