Dec. 10. Our weekly advice column from Giselle Massi, a former journalist with The Denver Post.

“One of my friends has a young child who is not thriving in school. She is not failing, but she is underperforming. When my friend mentioned this, I could tell she is concerned but I was pretty certain she wasn’t looking for a solution from me. My older children are terrifically successful, in part due to some decisions I made when they were very little. What is a good way I can give her support without her ending up feeling like I’m judging her parenting?”

G: I’ve found that when people open up about an issue that is troubling them to outsize proportion, enough so to divulge it, most often they actually are looking for input that is constructive. They just don’t always come right out with the “ask.”

Typically, before they are able to receive that feedback, what they are wanting is to feel like they are not alone. This type of intimate conversation often starts by taking the form of simply sharing a new situation, or else mentioning an update on an ongoing concern. But if you are truly doing good listening, you will be able to see that what seems to be just a casual comment is the lead in to something much larger and deeper.

Many of us who are going through challenging times will test the water, so to speak, to see who is actually willing to commiserate with us. It’s when we are feeling vulnerable that we tend to open up only to those who we believe will not judge or pity us, or who we think won’t minimize the problem we are dealing with.

To not make your friend feel any more conflicted about her worries or insecure will require that you try to see yourself in her situation. If you start there, listening with compassion to understand more of her reality, you’ll likely say things like, “I’m sure this is not easy for you.” Or, “Parenting is the hardest job in the world and it never ends,” and “I think what matters is knowing that you are trying to do it right.”

If we don’t start with conveying our empathy, what we are likely to do is compound the discomfort and even exacerbate a feeling of hopelessness. In my spiritual playbook, we are not always required to show up with a solution on the spot when someone dumps a problem at our feet. What we are to do, and can usually do quite easily, is express an emotion of care that is heartfelt.

What we don’t want to bring to anyone in our circle who is struggling with personal issues is an attitude that indicates we really don’t have interest in hearing what they have to say. Even if our time is limited, or if we are understandably worn out going over the same topic for the umpteenth time, what will usually make things worse is not what we say, but how we say it. This awareness of one’s tone can be a valuable template for how best to manage or navigate pretty much any uncomfortable or awkward communication.

As to this specific issue of a student who seems to be in a “failure to thrive” phase, reinforce that learning is happening even when the grades are not reflective of excellence. Some students only find their strengths after they have grown weary of their weaknesses, while others who are not self-motivated may need incentives, or rewards, in order for them to respond well to learning challenges.

The point here is that parents and teachers are in a collaborative process of discovering what works best for each child. Mention this to your friend and ask if they are able to develop a stronger partnership with the primary teacher. Those who see a child more frequently, whether in or outside of the classroom, are ideally suited to track a child’s progress.

But any teacher, friend or family member who has the child’s best interests at heart will still need to know their professional recommendations or observations are welcome and that they will be seriously considered.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her new romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available.  Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com