Our weekly advice column from Giselle Massi, a former journalist with The Denver Post.

G: Like many seniors whose own children delivered us, willingly or unwillingly, into the activity club of grandparenting, I know there are optimal times and places for my participation. But for many, choosing when to be deep in the throes of grandparenting and when to watch from far distant sidelines has become more of a fine art than an obligation. That’s in part because the grandparenting culture considered acceptable has expanded, allowing for far greater nuance and flexibility.

This change incentivizes more personalization and control over one’s later, hopefully golden, years. And, fortunately, there’s less perceived judgment when it concerns what is the absolute rule for how best to be a grandparent. Not so with direct parenting of children, as is evidenced by the ongoing battle between “soft” or “positive” parenting and the more traditional disciplinary approach.

When a behavioral issue arises in a small child, let’s say shoving disagreeable food onto the floor, the first style tends to emphasize that a parent should do more empathetic listening, even assuming responsibility for having “triggered” the child’s dysregulation. Rather than resorting to standard dictates such as “clean your plate” and without any explanation that there are starving kids in India — which is what I heard growing up — or giving punishments in the form of timeouts, where a child is sent to their room alone without the comfort of access to screens, the “gentler” style of parenting strives to be child-centric.

The shift is about highlighting mutual respect, as parents exercise their own emotional restraint through intentional self-awareness and actions that reflect positivity and warmth. But often their best intentions to parent at a higher level of sensitivity do go awry, as evidenced by reports from teachers who have to manage greater degrees of chaos in the classroom. Unintentionally, these “positive” parents are bringing up children who — in public and at home — appear to be way more out of control than when I grew up. There are now some train cars run by France’s national rail operator that exclude children under 12 to establish a calm journey.

It is understandable why this “soft” parenting approach, which has origins in the U.S. and has since metastasized overseas, has been criticized for its perceived permissiveness. Such adherents may choose to give in to a child’s demand to avoid the risk of inciting a full-blown meltdown with their objection. Granted, it’s not all that easy to set and hold to firm boundaries and expectations. Saying “no” to a child is a delicate dance. With permissive parenting, “no” can quickly morph into “maybe” and then to a “yes,” when “no” in many situations likely would have better suited the moment.

Grandparenting doesn’t have quite such a divisive polarity, but it has undergone an evolution of its own. The culture of grandparenting, from my viewpoint, has changed about as much as the surfaces of playgrounds at parks, outdoor tracks and playing fields, going from severe rigidity (dirt/asphalt) to cushioning (recycled tires/loose-filled mulch). Grandparenting these days doesn’t require the same degree of hard self-sacrifice as it did during my childhood.

Reflecting on those less-than-halcyon days with friends who are also grandparents, it’s obvious to me there has been a gradual tenderization process, particularly when it comes to the loosening of duties. The result is that there is less resentment and less friction because many grandparents embrace having the luxury of more time for themselves. Many of us know we have earned the right to live our own lives as we see fit and need. Instead of just living for others as though in a perpetual state of parenting martyrdom, seniors can subscribe to self-preservation more than to selfless grandparent perspiration.

There is far less societal pressure on grandparents than there once was for them to be deeply embedded in the lives of close relations. What had long been the pattern of generational responsibility for helping to raise the young has morphed into a fluidity of participation. Today’s grandparents guiltlessly live afar, reclaiming their independence without having to use the excuses of one’s job, economic constraints or the need for warmer, drier or healthier air as the cause of the distance from their own children and grandchildren.

The upshot is that many grandparents can suffer less due to the removal of outside constraints. They can opt to avoid witnessing up close and personal their own children’s angst over what school of parenting they are going to adhere to with the tots. But for those seniors who, through need or circumstance, must live with or else live close to their offspring, there will remain a tension point over what parenting approach is really best for the children.

However, as long as grandparents can remain in control of their time, autonomy and independence, these frictions can be minimized. But my guess is it will never be fully eliminated, as it is more likely the jury will remain out in perpetuity when it comes to deciding the verdict on best parental practices. But if you ask me, I’ll be happy to tell you what works really well.

Giselle M. Massi is the author of “We Are Here for a Purpose: How to Find Yours” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy, “Wynter’s Dream,” is now available. Massi was a journalist with The Denver Post for 16 years and writes the newspaper advice column “Tell Giselle.” Contact her at www.gisellemassi.com.