“My boyfriend joined a men’s group that had been started by a mutual friend that I like. Some of the others in the group I have met. A few I only know through social media. There are some guys who are on the seamy side. I want my boyfriend to drop out but am not sure how much friction this will cause.”

G: Much of what we do in life can be made better or worse by how we go about doing it. For example, when I was in my early twenties my employer wanted my coworkers and me to crush boxes and wrappings before putting them in the lined garbage can. This was to shrink them down in size so they would not fill up the trash bin so quickly. He wanted to reduce the number of trash bags he had to purchase.

Sometimes that memory will suddenly surface when I have an empty milk carton. Just as I am about to put it in my recycle bin, I always take a moment to crush it. Sure, it is a good practice, but the reason I have this memory is because of the way the boss chastised the employees. There was the energy of shame as I recall my reaction.

Perhaps I was perceiving his frustration, about having to teach us this small practice, or it could have been he was having financial pressures and was having to count every penny. Whatever the reason, I sure didn’t like how it felt. Like we were idiots not to know better.

This particular memory is one of several that has stayed with me because it influences how I react to people who are indelicate or unpleasant in their social interactions. I recognize they are ignorant or unaware of how they come across. If they knew better, they would express themselves better. The lesson has also influenced how I talk to other people who need to change their behavior.

The bottom line is we don’t come into the world as a hard drive that has software that never needs updating. We need to have someone teach us, show us, explain to us so many ways to navigate life. When we are not “updated” with nurturing information, we end up causing needless harm or chaos for others as well as for ourselves.

Your boyfriend may not be as aware as you are of the deficits in some of his social circle. Or he may know, but has made the choice to overlook or ignore things that you cannot. It’s important that you find out which of those two may be going on with him. The way you bring any concern you have to his attention is critically important. You can help him to face some unpleasant realities or you may end up hardening his heart with foolish resistance to you.

Start by amassing any evidence you can that will reveal what is distressing to you. Once you have that, you can begin a discussion about the types of people you feel comfortable having relationships with. This is an opportunity for him to understand what matters to you, and why. Be sure you emphasize that this is about establishing common values and priorities, and not about controlling him.

My paternal grandmother would say at various times to “be careful who your friends are. If they limp, soon you will too.”

What has so far been revealed with the release of the Epstein files, shows how easy it is for a reputation to be destroyed simply by association. How permanently tainted in the public mind are many of the people whose names are in those documents, just by association, and not necessarily by any provable, criminal activity.

Sort out what your highest goal is for this relationship. Then work toward conveying your compassion and support. Those who are wanting to cultivate healthy, respectful romantic relationships have their work cut out for them as it requires open, honest communication. How we communicate should not involve dictates, ultimatums or assumptions. If there are certain behaviors that are transgressing moral and ethical boundaries, choose words that are instructive rather than intended to evoke shame and harsh judgment.

Both of you may be facing harsh truths. If he persists in associating with people who are “limping,” then it is up to you to decide if you are willing to make excuses or accommodations that ultimately will comprise your integrity and reputation.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her new romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available.  Email Giselle with your question at [email protected]  To read more columns go to  www.gisellemassi.com