Tell Giselle: Escaping a punishing relationship

Jan. 28 – Our weekly advice column from Giselle Massi, a former journalist with The Denver Post.

G: A recent counseling session with a woman opened up a discussion that forced her to realize to a greater extent how she was being battered by her boyfriend. The more details she divulged to me of their interactions, it was obvious the abuse began early. But, so deep was she into the habituation of this toxicity, she was initially incapable of recognizing the red flags I was pointing out to her. From her perspective, over the couple of years they had been dating, things had gotten “so much” better.

One of the red flags was her boyfriend’s unpredictable moods. Another was the fights that he routinely initiated. For example, just mentioning travel plans she was making for their upcoming trip together, that required a stop at an airport in a town where a former boyfriend had lived, brought on his verbal attack. He claimed that she was again throwing in his face her previous lovers. This was false and absurd. She was flummoxed that he would think this. No amount of explaining shifted his derogatory accusations.

My effort was focusing on the extent of the battering, by giving her ample opportunity to reveal the most damaging examples. I had to allow her time to hear her own words. I would then explain to her how she had a pattern of rationalizing his toxic behavior, with her mantra, “it’s gotten so much better.” This blunt assessment of the severity of the verbal punishments she has endured helped her to see how she had permitted him to control her with his narrative. She claimed he had a form of post-traumatic brain injury from car accidents he said he had years ago.

His recurring emotional instability and outbursts had weakened her ability to see he was actually severely mentally ill. Trying to love him unconditionally, as she had been doing, had created a pathological delusion. Her resolve to want more for herself had vanished.

How is it that someone who is genuinely kind and desiring of a mutually-gratifying, intimate partnership can find themselves in a situation that is so demeaning, so emotionally stunting? Why are people willing to take far less than what they know is good, right and uplifting?

My experience as a counselor with men and women who have been abused by their partner has shown me that often it is as simple as their fear of being alone. They are convinced that if they get out of their current relationship, regardless of how unhealthy it is, they will probably never get the chance at another relationship. That worry, which is nothing more than an insecurity or low self-esteem – that they are undeserving or unworthy of someone else – is regularly fertilized by the abuser.

After much truth telling, she agreed that she needed to end the relationship. She told me she would wait till the next fight occurred before making the break. I told her not to put it off. She texted me later in the day: “I know you said not to wait until a fight but that is when I feel the most clarity and empowered to hold onto who I am and make the necessary changes.”

My response: “I understand that’s how you’ve done this in the past and back then it actually did seem for a time to work for you, however, you are to be a peacemaker. You are to avoid all fights. You’re not to initiate fights. You’re not to participate in any fights. You are not to enable any fights as you have been controlled by him to do. If you are to grow spiritually in the way I believe you strive and ache to be, to again become the peacemaker that is your innate nature, you must approach life in a new way and not repeat old patterns.”

Change, particularly the ending of a romantic relationship, is not to be done without great care and planning. Even though her relationship had not been physically abusive to date, being sure that this man would not harm her, once she broke away from his clutch, cannot be assumed. Unfortunately. there is no guarantee that he would not physically threaten her either at the point of breakup, or sometime later on.

Escaping from an emotionally abusive relationship is a process that will require a recognition of what has been lost, as well as what can be gained once free from the grip of dysfunction. Leaving an abusive person will elevate one’s own sense of dignity, but it will also end a cycle of the victim-partner’s accountability; They had been enabling the abuser to continue in their destructive behavior.

If you are in an abusive relationship, tell someone you trust, and ask for their support. If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, share this column with them and offer your support. Today.

Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post and is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her new romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available. Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] To read more columns go to www.gisellemassi.com